There is no happiness greater than the joy of becoming a mother!
All of us must have heard this. And after a 6.5 year old, and a pair of 14 month old twins, I can with full confidence, it is indeed true! From the day when my first pregnancy test came positive to today, my kids have filled my life with a treasure trove of happy memories which is my most precious asset :)
But then there is another side to this.
Becoming a mother changes a woman’s life drastically. Though in the long term it is a very positive change, in the short term, especially the first few months, are particularly hard. You are suddenly in charge of this little fragile being who pulls all your heart strings. Everytime she cries something happens to you. You want to do the best for her, but at the same time, you are terribly exhausted, sleep deprived, your hormones are going crazy and your freedom is curtailed.
Some people can handle such changes well. I could not. My brain did not have that level of plasticity. I missed my old life a lot, going to office, fun with family, in fact I missed myself. Looking at it very technically, it was serotonin deficiency. I went into depression after both my pregnancies. The first time it was mild but lasted years. Second time, it was quite intense, thus easier to recognize. I took proper treatment. I came out of it in a few months and since then, I feel stronger, more content and have developed a more positive perspective towards life.
Here I want to share with you what worked for me.
What worked
- Recognizing my condition: Since it was so intense, it was easy to recognize that I was going through something. Every morning I woke up with the feeling that everything I liked has been taken away from me. I was frustrated and very bitter against people around me. It felt that nothing makes me happy
- Accepting my condition: There is a stigma associated to mental health issues, but really depression like any other disease; just like a common cold or a flu — when you are going through it, you feel so weak, incapable of doing anything, but once you are out of it, you are strong, hale and hearty once again. Thanks to growing awareness about PPD and depression in general, I could talk about it openly, with my family members and friends. Opening up was very helpful and everyone was supportive. A couple friends suggested that I might have Vit D/B12 deficiency. Hence I also got the blood tests done.
- Spending time with myself and writing: Whenever I could, I would spend a few minutes with only myself in the morning. Writing calms me down and so whenever I could, I would write. That used to help a lot. However, as the babies grew, it got harder to find that time.
- Making a list of all the good things in my life: This was a key and helped a lot. One fine morning, it struck me that I keep on counting all my problems when there are so many things to be thankful for. I have all the basic comforts of life and much more. And once I started writing it all down, the list kept growing. Writing a gratitude journal is surely a great mental health tip.
- Helping others help me: One day my sister called me and said, no one can help you if you don’t want to help yourself. This phone call from her was a turning point. I resolved that I have to get out of this condition. Also I made a conscious effort to appreciate people around me. A lot of times when we are going through difficult times, we have this tendency to be rude and angry towards people around us. The bitterness inside us spills over. However, that way we are just making things all the more difficult for people around us. We need to remember that we are not the only ones going through difficult times. Everyone gets their own share of challenges. No one gets a bed of roses.
- Doing small constructive things that give a sense of achievement: Rewards from taking care of your kids are immense, but slow. Our brains need that gratification that comes from finishing tasks well. Small craft projects, cleaning closets, cooking. All of these tasks were very helpful.
- Going out whenever I could, TV, Laughter and Exercise: One day my friends took me out for lunch and we laughed a lot. That day for the first time I felt that I can raise twins, and my life is good. So please, if you know someone around in the same situation, please help them like my friends helped me :)
- Visiting the therapist: All of the above helped yet it was still there. One day I cried in the bathroom for no reason. I then decided to seek external help. Just one visit but it made a huge difference. Basically what I got was an external validation for what I was feeling is ok, I am allowed to have that feeling and it can be fixed. Another important thing she told me is “Don’t try to be the perfect mother”, being a good enough mother is sufficient. I have now realized the stress of being a perfect mom was actually detrimental to my kids.
- Taking anti anxiety medicine: I have a bias against brain chemistry medicines but this time I took it. I took an ayurvedic medicine. It provided the help I needed.
- Being at peace with this change: Gradually, all of the above helped me accept my new life and look at its positives. At the same time, I also resolved the bitterness inside me. Which had a cascading effect. My family and friends, everyone around was there to help me, but I needed to be receptive. My husband in particular got way more supportive :)
- Enjoying my kids: Sometimes I was so involved in doing my best that I forgot what it is all about. When I see my baby smiling, I realize that it is all about this smile that will be etched in my brain forever, there is no need of a picture. There are these memories that make me happy whenever I recall them. From the first time when I heard their heartbeats to the time when daughter spontaneously said “I lub lu mumma”. There are so many such moments for which I have no videos or photos, but in some sense, they are my most precious retirement fund.
Post recovery
I feel I have evolved into a better person. I won’t say I have achieved nirvana but I am quite satisfied with my present life. When I look back at the past year, I realize that every problem is temporary and every challenge in life makes you stronger. From feeling like a victim,I now have the feeling of an achiever. At the same time, I derive humility from the fact that there are billions of women out there who have raised great kids, with not even half the baby products, husband support and help that I have including my own mom and grandmothers. Hats off to every mom in this world.
